Life's Lil Dramatic Decisions - Domestic Chores over Corporate Ladder

photo credits from google

It has been quite a while since I penned down my thoughts here. Have been dying to do so but my health was so bad as of late and I really need my dosage of deprived sleep for the past few weeks. Come to think of it I have been deprived of sleep for 32 long years – that’s how bad my sleeping habit is, as pointed out by dear Mr Pedro.

As we speak about this, I am reminded by my recent decision to turn down 3 great job opportunities from 3 really great organizations; a decision which I took much to my own surprise. As it is I am going through that love-hate relationship with my current job which usually ends up with me vowing to storm off the office and tendering my resignation the next very minute; but I am then reminded by my endless commitments & bills that I have to pay, and the fact that I do love what I do,  irritated or not.

The offers that came in were really good, and I was tempted to just take the challenge and accept the best from all 3. But when the time came for me to really decide, I was surprised of the fact that I actually hesitated. And I started to question myself – is this what I really wanted? I began to ponder on my priorities – and on reality. Do I really need this? All these processes of starting everything from zero - creating new networks, creating new first impressions, climbing that exhausting ladder to the top. Do I really have the energy to go through all that when I can hardly make myself survive my days in my current office? I currently have a good team and excellent internal & external network contacts built over years of partnerships, collaborations, most importantly, trust. And even with all that support (not to mention the fact that I am granted with the flexibility of making my own decisions) – I still groan & moan about my current job. How ungrateful we humans can be, sometimes.

And so after much hesitation, and deliberation, I finally made the big decision and declined all 3 offers.  For a moment I sat quietly and waited for that flash of regret where I’ll start panicking and begging to retract my decisions. But I didn’t feel any remorse. No regrets, no doubts, no misgivings. And that was when I knew I took the right choice. And as I ponder deeply into this, I realized that I have changed over time, and that I am no longer that girl who dreamed high and far in this crazy, corporate world. I still love what I do and I have years of treasured experience that have carved and built me the person I am now; however I now have other priorities in my mind. Like Kimy, for instance. And the urge to try other things – like writing, or cooking. I am known for my lack of skills in the kitchen (only!) – but I recently spent endless hours in the kitchen trying out recipes and found myself actually enjoying it very much. For the first time this year, I actually made some dessert for my mom & and MIL for our raya feasts – which I never in my life imagined I would ever successfully do before I reach my golden years. Good job, Hilda!

And my health – yes, the fact that I have been so unwell for the past couple of months, is really scaring me. The whole situation puzzled me so much as I don’t find anything wrong with me physically, but I have been feeling so, well, unwell. Endless feelings of exhaustion, lack of energy, and the fact that it takes weeks for me to recover from all these – have been a very frustrating experience. I am forced to take better care of myself – early bedtime, eat well (all meals – no diets ok?), no gym for the time being (doc advised me not to exert myself), and no office work after office hours (duh). Conclusion – rest and more rest! I feel officially 50 at the moment, when I am only 32-bloody-young-years-of-age! Sigh.

But things have slowly improved – especially after I exercised most of what the doc advised me to do and after gagging over some horrible medicines. And also after I made sure I don’t think so much about work, and focused my mind over more amusing things – like rambling endlessly in this blog, or trying out more recipes, or obsessing over the latest trends from the fashion magazines. Which also reminded me, yup, I really made the right decision when I decided to just stick with whatever I have now, and just be thankful with all the perks that I’m enjoying with my current job. You might say I’m complacent, but hey, a girl has a right to be complacent when she’s just too tired to take on more stuff on her plate.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to google that pasta recipe which I salivated over while watching Masterchef US a few nights ago.

 

Another Song Obsession of the Day - Everybody Knows (John Legend)

And I hope one day you'll see, nobody has it easy

I still can't believe you found somebody knew

But I wish you the best, I guess

'Cause everybody knows that, nobody really knows

How to make it work, and how to ease the hurt

We've heard it all before, that nobody really knows

How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try..

One more try..

'Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

*If you really understand the lyrics, you'll find that this could be the saddest song ever sang.

Mascara's Song of the Day - Jar of Hearts of Christina Perri (Boyce Avenue & Tiffany Alvord acoustic cover)

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Don't come back at all..

Who do you think you are..

A very haunting cover version of 'Jar of Hearts', originally sang by Christina Perri. With haunting lyrics as well. I'm in love with it. Enjoy!

xoxo

Mommy loves you, Kimy. You know that.

I had this really bad row with Kimy yesterday morning. Like, a really bad row that got me literally screaming at the top of my lungs telling him he has to take his bath for school, or else. And he, in return, literally REFUSED to budge and insisted that he wants to stay home and watch Disney Jr and roll around in his bed. It took me an hour to get him to change his mind, that is when he finally realized that his mommy is about to explode and burn the whole house down – which only then he reluctantly agreed to shower, which is like a million years too late as I was already fuming and patience was not my best bet at that point of time.

By the time he was finally dressed for school, sniffling & sobbing and telling his daddy how mommy lost it as he climbed into the car – I already felt drained as half of my non-existent energy has been spent in the last hour. This clearly did not help as I was due to attend some stupid meetings in the office and promised a partner in UK for a phone call over some work matters – which usually requires me to prepare my thoughts waaay in advance.  I drove to work that morning in an evil mood and ready to kill anyone who steps in my way.

Now this is just a normal scenario which I face on every other day. On the good and excellent days, I will enjoy a cuddling and giggling session with Kimy before he showers, and I’ll end up driving to work feeling high-spirited. But on other days, when perhaps Kimy woke up on the wrong side of the pillow or something, the morning will witness me becoming hysterical and Kimy stubbornly telling me he just wants to stay home, the hell with school. The thing is, I’ve always tried to keep our mornings light and cheerful – as I believe it’s important for everyone to start the day well. I have enough experience in my life in my younger years when I was awaken in a not-so-friendly way, and I ended up feeling like crap the whole day,right until the moment I go back to bed. I hated those mornings so much, that I vowed not to allow my children to experience the same thing. But it has become soooo challenging as of late, especially when Kimy has learnt the right way of expressing his preferences, like preferring Disney Jr over boring classrooms. 

But I’m a mommy..who gets mad and hysterical if being pushed beyond boundaries, but 5 minutes later mommy will end up experiencing the utmost regret for having lost her temper. And guilt for not being able to have handled it better. For not mustering more patience. For not showing better examples. Endless guilt which usually have me wishing that I’m a stay-at-home mom who is able to dedicate all her time & attention in the world for her little one. And this guilt will have me questioning my ability as a mother, and I start to wonder – have I spent enough time with Kimy? Have I have been neglecting the attention that he needs? Or have I denied him of anything that he fully needs during his important growing years now? Am I the only one struggling with these endless feeling of remorse? Other mommies out there, do you feel the same way too?

There are times when Kimy asks me for attention, even for a few seconds; and yet even that I struggle to give him. With the continuous demands that I am forever struggling to fulfill in the different roles that I hold, I sometimes face the dreaded situation when I lack the time and energy required to spend even just a little time, just to sit by his side and watch him demonstrate his enthusiasm over the simplest things in life. It is such pain for me to even realize and speak this truth.

I have had this secret wish (which is not so secret anymore now that I’m sharing it here) for a little while now. I really, really wish that I can be that supermom that works from home with this glam-professional homely career like a writer, or an online fashion boutique owner (does that make sense?) that allows me to have my own office and work within my own rules and timeframe; and allows me to take care of my children with my own bare hands. Sure, I’ll get assistance like a maid or two if money allows it, but I wanted to be the one who sends Kimy to school, who supervises his homework, who prepares his meal and who teaches him the values of life. I want to be there for him during this particular stage of his life when he is able to love me unconditionally. Before he starts growing up and learning new things beyond what I can teach him, and finding new friends who might become priority before me as he grows up into adolescence & adulthood. I wanna break free from this endless guilt that I feel as a working mom, struggling endless as I try to juggle the office and my role as Kimy’s mommy.

Oh I am being so sentimental about this.

Anyway, I guess there’s always a way if you really put your heart into it, perhaps someday it will happen. I am thankful for the life I have built with Pedro, all built from our own effort. Our life started so simple from the days when we lived in a flat; and now we own a house bought with our own effort within our own means, decorated with love & with our personal touches. I have no regrets for anything, and I am happy & thankful with what we have achieved – infact I feel we have more than enough, and I am not talking about money.

Perhaps it is not the right time yet for me to achieve that no-so-secret wish of mine, but I know someday it will happen. I just haven’t found the right path yet.  God will help me through this until I found that path.

And now there’s Kimy. Lil charming Kimy - and our endless rows and arguments on why he needs to shower and goes to school. Hmmmm.

Mommy loves you, Kimy. You know that.

The beauty of Eid, and the love it brings

-The strength of love that reunites the hearts that beat as one-

-The unspoken love between brothers and sisters-

-And the quiet sense of happiness and love, when everything feels...complete-

xoxo - Mascara