Mommy loves you, Kimy. You know that.

I had this really bad row with Kimy yesterday morning. Like, a really bad row that got me literally screaming at the top of my lungs telling him he has to take his bath for school, or else. And he, in return, literally REFUSED to budge and insisted that he wants to stay home and watch Disney Jr and roll around in his bed. It took me an hour to get him to change his mind, that is when he finally realized that his mommy is about to explode and burn the whole house down – which only then he reluctantly agreed to shower, which is like a million years too late as I was already fuming and patience was not my best bet at that point of time.

By the time he was finally dressed for school, sniffling & sobbing and telling his daddy how mommy lost it as he climbed into the car – I already felt drained as half of my non-existent energy has been spent in the last hour. This clearly did not help as I was due to attend some stupid meetings in the office and promised a partner in UK for a phone call over some work matters – which usually requires me to prepare my thoughts waaay in advance.  I drove to work that morning in an evil mood and ready to kill anyone who steps in my way.

Now this is just a normal scenario which I face on every other day. On the good and excellent days, I will enjoy a cuddling and giggling session with Kimy before he showers, and I’ll end up driving to work feeling high-spirited. But on other days, when perhaps Kimy woke up on the wrong side of the pillow or something, the morning will witness me becoming hysterical and Kimy stubbornly telling me he just wants to stay home, the hell with school. The thing is, I’ve always tried to keep our mornings light and cheerful – as I believe it’s important for everyone to start the day well. I have enough experience in my life in my younger years when I was awaken in a not-so-friendly way, and I ended up feeling like crap the whole day,right until the moment I go back to bed. I hated those mornings so much, that I vowed not to allow my children to experience the same thing. But it has become soooo challenging as of late, especially when Kimy has learnt the right way of expressing his preferences, like preferring Disney Jr over boring classrooms. 

But I’m a mommy..who gets mad and hysterical if being pushed beyond boundaries, but 5 minutes later mommy will end up experiencing the utmost regret for having lost her temper. And guilt for not being able to have handled it better. For not mustering more patience. For not showing better examples. Endless guilt which usually have me wishing that I’m a stay-at-home mom who is able to dedicate all her time & attention in the world for her little one. And this guilt will have me questioning my ability as a mother, and I start to wonder – have I spent enough time with Kimy? Have I have been neglecting the attention that he needs? Or have I denied him of anything that he fully needs during his important growing years now? Am I the only one struggling with these endless feeling of remorse? Other mommies out there, do you feel the same way too?

There are times when Kimy asks me for attention, even for a few seconds; and yet even that I struggle to give him. With the continuous demands that I am forever struggling to fulfill in the different roles that I hold, I sometimes face the dreaded situation when I lack the time and energy required to spend even just a little time, just to sit by his side and watch him demonstrate his enthusiasm over the simplest things in life. It is such pain for me to even realize and speak this truth.

I have had this secret wish (which is not so secret anymore now that I’m sharing it here) for a little while now. I really, really wish that I can be that supermom that works from home with this glam-professional homely career like a writer, or an online fashion boutique owner (does that make sense?) that allows me to have my own office and work within my own rules and timeframe; and allows me to take care of my children with my own bare hands. Sure, I’ll get assistance like a maid or two if money allows it, but I wanted to be the one who sends Kimy to school, who supervises his homework, who prepares his meal and who teaches him the values of life. I want to be there for him during this particular stage of his life when he is able to love me unconditionally. Before he starts growing up and learning new things beyond what I can teach him, and finding new friends who might become priority before me as he grows up into adolescence & adulthood. I wanna break free from this endless guilt that I feel as a working mom, struggling endless as I try to juggle the office and my role as Kimy’s mommy.

Oh I am being so sentimental about this.

Anyway, I guess there’s always a way if you really put your heart into it, perhaps someday it will happen. I am thankful for the life I have built with Pedro, all built from our own effort. Our life started so simple from the days when we lived in a flat; and now we own a house bought with our own effort within our own means, decorated with love & with our personal touches. I have no regrets for anything, and I am happy & thankful with what we have achieved – infact I feel we have more than enough, and I am not talking about money.

Perhaps it is not the right time yet for me to achieve that no-so-secret wish of mine, but I know someday it will happen. I just haven’t found the right path yet.  God will help me through this until I found that path.

And now there’s Kimy. Lil charming Kimy - and our endless rows and arguments on why he needs to shower and goes to school. Hmmmm.

Mommy loves you, Kimy. You know that.