Where's everyone? Hello?

So I was having a bit of an emotional moment last night. Have you ever felt all alone and so isolated from all your friends that you actually wonder if the thought of you ever crossed their minds? Or that you feel such sudden longing for those meaningful feel-good conversations with those selected ones; the ones whom you trust most – not so much to b*tch about the latest gossip, but to just rant out your inner thoughts about something disturbing or exciting lately and just seeking an honest unbiased opinion from a friend? And to find it really disappointing that neither you nor that friend, have the means to commit even a fraction of any available time to fulfill that need to just have a good time together? Or is it just me, who always have the tendency to shy away from my circle of friends every once in a while?

I have to be honest that I may know quite a lot of people and may have a few trusted ones who I turn to when in times of need – but I really don’t socialize that much for the past one year (or more); except for a few lunch or birthday outings with a couple of close friends. There are a few reasons which contributed to the fact that I am seeing lesser and lesser of my friends and have unintentionally turned into  a boring anti-social:–

1.   That I feel such extreme guilt to take my time away from Kimy more than necessary (I am already drowning in guilt enough for only being able to see Kimy for about 2 hours on the average during weekdays; just in time to wash him, tuck him to sleep and read a little to him until he falls asleep); hence I didn’t feel it was fair for me to be away again from him during the weekends.

2.      That I have a love-hate relationship with my endless chores at home. I do not have a live-in maid; it is even a miracle for me to actually secure a part-time maid to clean my house every fortnightly. But naturally for the rest of the days, once I am stripped off my office attire, I am the official homemaker – ready to shift gears into my domestic mode – no matter how exhausted I am after a crazy day in the office. A long day in the office will be followed by a string of domestic exercise, starting with cleaning & scrubbing the kitchen, doing the endless laundry, handling Kimy’s antics (until I force him to bed at 10pm, yes I am quite disciplined on his sleeping time like that; getting into bed late will cause another major argument the next morning since it’s ridiculously difficult to wake him up when he’s lacked of sleep), and finally taking a bit of time to drag myself for a quick bath & stumble into bed. This continues until the weekend, where the weekend will see more chores need to be done – cooking lunch & dinner, laundry, more laundry, Kimy, and more Kimy. It sounds suffocating but yes that’s reality & yes I often feel like taking a break every so often, but somehow that never seemed to materialize, and there I go again scrubbing the house down as usual.

3.      That I didn’t want to burden my parents to handle Kimy during the weekends. My in-laws takes care of Kimy on daily basis – Kimy goes back to PIL’s house after his school hours, and Pedro picks him up in the evenings; well, usually way past evening as there is always a need to struggle with the horrible after office-hours traffic. And my parents sometimes have other pressing matters to handle, or sometimes they are not in the best of health hence I do not find it wise to burden them the task of handling a hyper-active 5yo. I would rather save this for those days when I really need to get away – like for an overseas business trip where Pedro might come along, or for those rare times when Pedro & I just felt like escaping for a quick movie or something.

4.      And finally that because I am naturally a person who values my personal private time very much. I don’t mind doing things on my own; it is normal to see me shopping alone, dining alone, and simply doing nothing alone. I feel that it is much easier that way; I get to do things on my own terms within my own time-frame; I didn’t have to deal with confusing arrangements with other people. I somehow value my own personal ‘me’ time too much that I have lost sense of need to be surrounded by people.

But I guess I can give like a million excuses to justify why I hardly socialize, and yet at the end of the day it is obvious that I still need my closed ones for me to share my joys & triumphs, and to turn to when I am in tears of fears & frustrations. I’ll be honest that it really hurts when I have something exciting to share, and yet when I try to find people to share it with, most are already tied with commitments or some other pre-arranged appointments, and find it difficult to even seen me for a few hours. I understand that we all have obligations in life- I am one with a million of such; but what I realize most is that I cannot expect people to make time for me when I hardly make it an effort to make time for them. A friend of mine recently told me that I ‘just gotta make time’, and that I have to learn to detach myself from my endless choking routine, including to just be away from Kimy once in a (rare) while – because what I really need to stay sane is to have my ‘own’ time to do whatever, including spending time with my friends. True, yes, what she said – even though I thought a little that that can be easier said than done. That it is not a simple matter of ‘wanting’ and ‘making it happen’; but it is more of a mental exercise and enforcement where I must ‘know’ and ‘understand’ and ‘accept’ that I need that, and that it is ok for me to detach a bit and that doesn’t make me a bad mommy or wife, and that I am not neglecting my responsibilities at home. It is more of an agreement with myself that I will not waste time having internal conflicts about wanting to spend some time away, and yet I suffer with guilt while being away, which will then make the whole effort a waste.

I realize that I being a bit melodramatic about the whole thing, which probably means that I am nearing that time of the month where nothing seems rational to me, which means I tend to be absurd and illogical on certain matters (as usual) – but I was really feeling down and low and I needed to vent out my feelings but it was way past midnight and there was no one to hear me out. And so I decided to be thankful that I actually have this blog where I can let it all out, but then again this blog is not a person and is not able to tell me what to do, and so I am still left with this stupid dilemma. Sigh.

Nevertheless, I have decided that I will give it a try. I will try to make more time to be with my friends, every once in a while. I am not really looking for a crazy-wild-getaways that I so enjoyed not so long ago, but more of nice quiet moments with those closed ones where I can really talk & chill & relax, where I can go back feeling much lighthearted. And so it shall start soon – I hope my friends wouldn’t mind me stalking them for a quick coffee or lunch or simply to exchange a gossip or two. I just need to force myself to make that commitment to make time for other people, instead of staying too comfortable alone. Seriously Hilda – stop being such a lazy ass, put on your makeup & heels & go look for your girlfriends already!

The case of Lil Einsteins - is Lil Kimy one of them?

Ok. So I went to see Kimy’ teachers recently to understand what needs to be done for Kimy’s learning development for the next 1 year. He’s gonna be 6 next year. 6-little-boy-years-old!! How in the world did he grow up so fast?? This also means he only has 1 year to master whatever it is that he needs to master before he steps into Primary; and mommy has 1 year to panic endless and struggle not to shove all the books and pencils into Kimy’s throat.

Clearly all parents with children go through this horrible panic mode when their little ones are about to start school. Officially. Not the kindergarten-types or Montessories or the nice little colourful pre-schools  with kind-faced teachers holding your young ones’ hands and guiding them indoors and not uttering a single sound when your little ones pull their hair or yank their skirts. I’m talking about the Primary stage, where kindness amongst teachers is rare, and no one gives a damn if your child needs extra attention. If you are lucky enough, your child might survive the first day of school without getting terrified by the stupid so-called ‘Placement test’ or whatever it is the school calls it to categorically place your child in accordance to your child’s capability to answer a test – on the 1^st day of school. 1st day of school!! Bloody hell, on what basis do you rate a child’s brain capability when the child already has the burden to manage their fear of stepping into a world so alien to them, and trying to overcome the fear  of facing many unfamiliar faces on the first day itself? I have all the faith in my child to somehow manage himself when he arrives at that stage; but I strongly do not agree of the fact that you need to assess these poor children when we should be focusing on encouraging them to LIKE school in the first place. God knows how difficult it is already to make them WANT to come to school, let alone trying to maintain the interest in these children to stay interested in school up until they’re 17 and finally graduate from high school. We’ll be lucky if our children have the decency to sit through all their exams and not sneak out of school instead. You can never be too sure what kind of adventures you child is up to when they’re out of your eyesight, can you?

And why the necessity to categorize them in different levels of classes? Yeah yeah the smarter ones will get the better teachers; but what about the ‘not-so-smart-ones’ that the school has so smartly placed in the bottom classes? Do you do anything about them? Or will all the attention be focused on the 1^st top 3 classes with flying colours only? Why can’t we put them all fairly in each class regardless of levels of intelligence – and give them all equal attention, equal details, equal opportunities, and equal punishments if necessary? I remember when I was in Primary Assunta (2) PJ; we had 4 classes for each standards from sdt 1 to std 6 – there were no categories for smart classes or ‘not-so-smart’ classes – we all had the same unsmiling, dour teachers who made sure we memorized our math tables and finish our homework and learn to speak English, smart or not. We all had to complete all our exercise books, we all had to go to extra classes, bright or not. If you’re one of the top students and yet you do mischief & create trouble, you get yelled at and face the intimidating headmistress to face your verdict.  And when it was the time for UPSR, the final exam during Primary 6 – the competition was fair and equal amongst all classes. And surprise surprise – some of the mischievous & trying students were the ones who scored best and made the school proud. All thanks to the fair treatment from the teachers, and a school which did not introduce dissimilarity & inequality amongst the children, and did not alienate those who might need extra attention. Come to think of it, we the students saw each other so equally that it did not even occur to me that most of my closest friends back then were Chinese and Indian – I wasn’t even aware of racial differences until I was much older later on.

As a mother, obviously I am constantly worried about my child’s progress – and it does not help that in the world of advanced technologies, I am getting live feeds about my friends’ childrens’ progresses on nano-second-basis. And being human one can’t help feeling pressured by the news of A’s lil son who just came back from multiple arts and music classes; and B sending her lil daughter to ballet and speech classes, and C who just got back from fetching her children from extra English & Mandarin classes. And most of these lil ones are not even Kimy’s age yet! I only send Kimy to his daily kindy classes – which takes not more than half of the day, and during weekends I spend a couple of hours teaching him simple maths & writing & colouring & spelling. That’s all. Does that make my son less intelligent because I refuse to pressure him into learning everything at this young of age? And what will happen when I send my son to his 1^st day of Primary 1 and he has to sit for that stupid ‘Placement Test’ together with other ‘smarter’ children who are probably capable to publish a book by the age of 7?

First of all, I can’t afford the luxury of sending Kimy to all these fancy-sounding classes, hence the need to prioritize. I would definitely love to give him the opportunity to learn anything that he wants, right at this tender age where his brain absorbs everything like a sponge – but everything comes with a price nowadays; a price which makes you wheeze and start thinking about getting a second job. And because I KNOW that I have to prioritize, both Pedro & I made sure that we get him into a good pre-school worth the fees paid, with the hopes that he’ll learn everything that he needs there in preparations for Primary. And secondly, the blessed child is only 5! He has the rest of his life to learn and absorb everything eventually, when the time is right. Why is there a need to shove everything down his throat now when he can hardly even remember his own mother’s full name? Shouldn’t knowledge be balanced with maturity? Do I need my son to graduate so soon before everyone else his age, and yet his hasn’t reached the right level of maturity to execute this knowledge into something useful in life? We’re all in a crazy race here, aren’t we?

We have to remember that it is God’s will if we are blessed with a child who happens to be really bright and sailed through her/his vocabularies without even stumbling over any words. We will not have to worry about silly tests taken on the 1^st day of school, knowing that our child will whizz through it without even batting an eyelash. We will smile and have the greatest time of our life watching the little one winning prizes for the school, and make the school proud. But we must also remember that sometimes God will test us and bless us with a child who might not be able to master the education too well, but might be gifted with other talents, that might only be evident when the child is far older. But somehow these children will not be able to shine as bright as the ‘smarter’ ones as they were shunned at a much earlier stage of their lives only because they are not able to answer a silly test well on the 1^st day of school, and are placed at the bottom – far too early before they are even able to show the world what they’re worth. The education system has somehow created a reason for these talented children to feel demotivated and insecure of their capabilities – when in truth we are all actually born with our own talents and gifts. What will we do then when our child is categorized in such a way? Will we end up believing that our child is actually not up to standards?

I have a son who is such a chatterbox, who learns to speak English well through hours of Disney Jr, who has trouble finding friends because he hardly knows how to speak BM, who loves and sleeps with books but yet do not know how to read even at the age of 5, whose favourite colour is black and assigns anything in pink for mommy and anything in blue for daddy and refuses to acknowledge any other colours, who is afraid of heights, who memorizes his favourite songs and repeatedly sings it every other minute. He doesn’t know a lot of things yet, but I have faith in him to learn things quick, and I refuse to send him to endless additional classes because I didn’t want him to be overwhelmed with all the pressure, I didn’t want him to be too smart before his real age allows it, and simply because I miss him too much most of the time and I just want him to be close to me as much as time allows, that I prefer to teach him things myself.

Yes, I am worried endless about my son’s progress and future, but that I accept as one of my responsibilities as a parent, something that I will do until the day I die. But I also believe that children have the right to learn things at their own pace, and until then they should first learn how to be a human. And it is the job of the parent to love the child unconditionally, and make sure that the child knows that they will be accepted regardless of their capabilities in life. Because at the end of the day – having knowledge as high as the mountain does not yet define that you are successful, until you know what to do with the knowledge and how to apply the knowledge in life. Jadilah manusia yang pandai DAN berguna, ya anak-anak sekalian.

I realize that I have literally written a whole fiction here with my endless ramblings on this topic – do understand that I have nothing against excellent education (this in particular is something that I take really seriously); and I trust that every parent knows what’s best for their children. I just wish that our education system does not create unnecessary stress to children, and unnecessary pressure to parents – which naturally translates into an unhealthy competition amongst the parents to produce their own versions of Lil Einsteins at the earliest age possible. What happened to skipping ropes, hide & seeks, & playing catch? That was all that I knew when I was 5, but I still know my ABCs when the time comes for me to know them.

xoxo - Restless mommy

Feeling the love for fashion. And sharing it.

As a very much fresh person adorning the hijab with an unhealthy obsession in fashion ideas, I must confess that I am constantly googling over the internet on the latest styles that I find fit to adapt with my new image. Call me a vain pot if you wish, but I am just a girl who finds it necessary to put some efforts in trying to look at the very least decent and easy on the eyes wherever I go.

And then I came across this really interesting fashion blog with contents dedicated to chic & timeless fashion ideas for the hijabis – www.welovehijab.com. I absolutely love the fashion posts – it’s brimmed with sophisticated fashion statements, all beautiful and yet maintained the required modesty.

Some of you may have already come acrossed this blog and may have seen all the beautiful pictures in it; but I find it a shame if I don't share a little bit of what I have seen, so here you go:

Note: All photos credits to www.welovehijab.com

Pick and choose which style suits you best! :)


xoxo

The calling. The journey. Thus far.

My very personal meaningful journey, thus far.

xoxo

With Open Arms. Welcome 2012.

And 2011 has come to an end. 2011 has been a roller-coaster ride for me – a lot of emotional moments which were unexpected, lost friends (figuratively, not literally) and gained some, looking for changes in career but decided to remain where I am, continuously trying to figure out myself and trying to understand what I am constantly searching for in life. I have also never changed my image as much as I did in 2011 – chopped my long, waist-length hair (which I have kept long almost forever!) to shoulder-length, then bobbed it in an attempt to look chic, then chopped it shorter to a failed-Rihanna-version, coloured and re-coloured, highlighted and re-highlighted. Still I could not make peace with myself. Still I did not feel good. Until I finally found the strength within me to hit the brakes, take a deep breath, calmed down and reevaluate my life – and finally decided to commit myself to the hijab. Wholeheartedly, and  with a sense of genuine unreserved sincerity I committed myself to a whole new journey which is not actually quite foreign to me (as I did adorn the hijab for a few years when I was in college, but I guess that did not count as it was then a stage when one is trying to understand one’s sense of direction & honestly, everything during college was confusing to me) – however this time around I felt different and I felt the need to do it from deep within myself. It was as though a buried, yearning desire within me to find that inner sense of peace and tranquility has finally come to the surface. 

It was ironic that as I thought about it, I have not felt right or in a way, happy, at all since the beginning of the year – but yet I tried to conceal the sense of unease with efforts of changing the way I look with the hope that it will automatically make me feel better. But alas, the changes are only on the surface. I started not to like so much what I saw in the mirror, I constantly felt unhappy with whatever that I’m wearing. But the worst of it all is the emotional turmoil within me that usually ends up with me getting upset unnecessarily, getting temperamental unexpectedly over trivial matters – which of course did not help as I was sick and unwell most of the time. I did not know why all that happened, the whole process of thinking was a painful process altogether for me to muster, I could not name the reason why I felt like that almost the whole year without realizing it.

Until. It was during the Eid-ul-Fitr in August, as I was dressing up in the early morning at my in laws while listening to the azan for the Eid prayers, I put on a long scarf on my head to match with my raya outfit (this is a normal thing that I do every year, as after the prayers the whole family will head to our late grandmother’s grave to recite the doa & Alfathihah, and read the Yassin; hence the scarf was necessary) – but on that particular morning I suddenly thought – What if I just continue with the scarves forever after this? The thought stayed in my head for a few days, and stuck in my mind for as long as I can remember – but I patiently reviewed and reassess and quizzed myself over this sudden intention (a good one nonetheless, of course) – and it took me almost 3 months to really made up my mind as by then I could no longer contain the yearn within me to change for the better. I remembered feeling relieved as I finally decided, and actually DID it. And so I finally emerged as the new person I am during Eid-ul-Adha, 6^th November 2011. Alhamdulillah. I am happy, and I have no regrets.

I would have to say that I am relieved that 2011 has finally ended and I look forward to 2012 with new hopes, with different views and perspectives on things happening around me. I must say that I have a few selective friends who have been truly kind enough to ‘travel’ with me in my new journey; and willing to share new things & knowledge with me in all honesty and genuine sincerity. Thank you, I hope you guys know who you are *hugs*.

And I spent the last week of 2011 with my parents and brothers and sisters – it wasn’t really important what we did, but the fact that I get to be together with all my 5 younger brothers and sisters was what I really need in order to keep me sane and be reminded that I still have people who accept me wholly and without questions. As usual, I was in tears as I left my parents’ house as the week ended and everyone had to return to reality – but that was what made it all the sweeter; the fact that we are all looking forward to the next session of just rolling around infront of the TV watching a good movie in our pajamas while sipping Nescafe. Oh I can’t wait to see them all again!

Goodbye to a very trying 2011; and I am welcoming 2012 with open arms, an open heart, and an open mind. Thank you Allah for all the trials that I went through for the past one year; perhaps all that was for the preparations of my inner strength for me to begin my new journey. 

xoxoxo