Where's everyone? Hello?

So I was having a bit of an emotional moment last night. Have you ever felt all alone and so isolated from all your friends that you actually wonder if the thought of you ever crossed their minds? Or that you feel such sudden longing for those meaningful feel-good conversations with those selected ones; the ones whom you trust most – not so much to b*tch about the latest gossip, but to just rant out your inner thoughts about something disturbing or exciting lately and just seeking an honest unbiased opinion from a friend? And to find it really disappointing that neither you nor that friend, have the means to commit even a fraction of any available time to fulfill that need to just have a good time together? Or is it just me, who always have the tendency to shy away from my circle of friends every once in a while?

I have to be honest that I may know quite a lot of people and may have a few trusted ones who I turn to when in times of need – but I really don’t socialize that much for the past one year (or more); except for a few lunch or birthday outings with a couple of close friends. There are a few reasons which contributed to the fact that I am seeing lesser and lesser of my friends and have unintentionally turned into  a boring anti-social:–

1.   That I feel such extreme guilt to take my time away from Kimy more than necessary (I am already drowning in guilt enough for only being able to see Kimy for about 2 hours on the average during weekdays; just in time to wash him, tuck him to sleep and read a little to him until he falls asleep); hence I didn’t feel it was fair for me to be away again from him during the weekends.

2.      That I have a love-hate relationship with my endless chores at home. I do not have a live-in maid; it is even a miracle for me to actually secure a part-time maid to clean my house every fortnightly. But naturally for the rest of the days, once I am stripped off my office attire, I am the official homemaker – ready to shift gears into my domestic mode – no matter how exhausted I am after a crazy day in the office. A long day in the office will be followed by a string of domestic exercise, starting with cleaning & scrubbing the kitchen, doing the endless laundry, handling Kimy’s antics (until I force him to bed at 10pm, yes I am quite disciplined on his sleeping time like that; getting into bed late will cause another major argument the next morning since it’s ridiculously difficult to wake him up when he’s lacked of sleep), and finally taking a bit of time to drag myself for a quick bath & stumble into bed. This continues until the weekend, where the weekend will see more chores need to be done – cooking lunch & dinner, laundry, more laundry, Kimy, and more Kimy. It sounds suffocating but yes that’s reality & yes I often feel like taking a break every so often, but somehow that never seemed to materialize, and there I go again scrubbing the house down as usual.

3.      That I didn’t want to burden my parents to handle Kimy during the weekends. My in-laws takes care of Kimy on daily basis – Kimy goes back to PIL’s house after his school hours, and Pedro picks him up in the evenings; well, usually way past evening as there is always a need to struggle with the horrible after office-hours traffic. And my parents sometimes have other pressing matters to handle, or sometimes they are not in the best of health hence I do not find it wise to burden them the task of handling a hyper-active 5yo. I would rather save this for those days when I really need to get away – like for an overseas business trip where Pedro might come along, or for those rare times when Pedro & I just felt like escaping for a quick movie or something.

4.      And finally that because I am naturally a person who values my personal private time very much. I don’t mind doing things on my own; it is normal to see me shopping alone, dining alone, and simply doing nothing alone. I feel that it is much easier that way; I get to do things on my own terms within my own time-frame; I didn’t have to deal with confusing arrangements with other people. I somehow value my own personal ‘me’ time too much that I have lost sense of need to be surrounded by people.

But I guess I can give like a million excuses to justify why I hardly socialize, and yet at the end of the day it is obvious that I still need my closed ones for me to share my joys & triumphs, and to turn to when I am in tears of fears & frustrations. I’ll be honest that it really hurts when I have something exciting to share, and yet when I try to find people to share it with, most are already tied with commitments or some other pre-arranged appointments, and find it difficult to even seen me for a few hours. I understand that we all have obligations in life- I am one with a million of such; but what I realize most is that I cannot expect people to make time for me when I hardly make it an effort to make time for them. A friend of mine recently told me that I ‘just gotta make time’, and that I have to learn to detach myself from my endless choking routine, including to just be away from Kimy once in a (rare) while – because what I really need to stay sane is to have my ‘own’ time to do whatever, including spending time with my friends. True, yes, what she said – even though I thought a little that that can be easier said than done. That it is not a simple matter of ‘wanting’ and ‘making it happen’; but it is more of a mental exercise and enforcement where I must ‘know’ and ‘understand’ and ‘accept’ that I need that, and that it is ok for me to detach a bit and that doesn’t make me a bad mommy or wife, and that I am not neglecting my responsibilities at home. It is more of an agreement with myself that I will not waste time having internal conflicts about wanting to spend some time away, and yet I suffer with guilt while being away, which will then make the whole effort a waste.

I realize that I being a bit melodramatic about the whole thing, which probably means that I am nearing that time of the month where nothing seems rational to me, which means I tend to be absurd and illogical on certain matters (as usual) – but I was really feeling down and low and I needed to vent out my feelings but it was way past midnight and there was no one to hear me out. And so I decided to be thankful that I actually have this blog where I can let it all out, but then again this blog is not a person and is not able to tell me what to do, and so I am still left with this stupid dilemma. Sigh.

Nevertheless, I have decided that I will give it a try. I will try to make more time to be with my friends, every once in a while. I am not really looking for a crazy-wild-getaways that I so enjoyed not so long ago, but more of nice quiet moments with those closed ones where I can really talk & chill & relax, where I can go back feeling much lighthearted. And so it shall start soon – I hope my friends wouldn’t mind me stalking them for a quick coffee or lunch or simply to exchange a gossip or two. I just need to force myself to make that commitment to make time for other people, instead of staying too comfortable alone. Seriously Hilda – stop being such a lazy ass, put on your makeup & heels & go look for your girlfriends already!