And 2011 has come to an end. 2011 has been a roller-coaster ride for me – a lot of emotional moments which were unexpected, lost friends (figuratively, not literally) and gained some, looking for changes in career but decided to remain where I am, continuously trying to figure out myself and trying to understand what I am constantly searching for in life. I have also never changed my image as much as I did in 2011 – chopped my long, waist-length hair (which I have kept long almost forever!) to shoulder-length, then bobbed it in an attempt to look chic, then chopped it shorter to a failed-Rihanna-version, coloured and re-coloured, highlighted and re-highlighted. Still I could not make peace with myself. Still I did not feel good. Until I finally found the strength within me to hit the brakes, take a deep breath, calmed down and reevaluate my life – and finally decided to commit myself to the hijab. Wholeheartedly, and with a sense of genuine unreserved sincerity I committed myself to a whole new journey which is not actually quite foreign to me (as I did adorn the hijab for a few years when I was in college, but I guess that did not count as it was then a stage when one is trying to understand one’s sense of direction & honestly, everything during college was confusing to me) – however this time around I felt different and I felt the need to do it from deep within myself. It was as though a buried, yearning desire within me to find that inner sense of peace and tranquility has finally come to the surface.
It was ironic that as I thought about it, I have not felt right or in a way, happy, at all since the beginning of the year – but yet I tried to conceal the sense of unease with efforts of changing the way I look with the hope that it will automatically make me feel better. But alas, the changes are only on the surface. I started not to like so much what I saw in the mirror, I constantly felt unhappy with whatever that I’m wearing. But the worst of it all is the emotional turmoil within me that usually ends up with me getting upset unnecessarily, getting temperamental unexpectedly over trivial matters – which of course did not help as I was sick and unwell most of the time. I did not know why all that happened, the whole process of thinking was a painful process altogether for me to muster, I could not name the reason why I felt like that almost the whole year without realizing it.
Until. It was during the Eid-ul-Fitr in August, as I was dressing up in the early morning at my in laws while listening to the azan for the Eid prayers, I put on a long scarf on my head to match with my raya outfit (this is a normal thing that I do every year, as after the prayers the whole family will head to our late grandmother’s grave to recite the doa & Alfathihah, and read the Yassin; hence the scarf was necessary) – but on that particular morning I suddenly thought – What if I just continue with the scarves forever after this? The thought stayed in my head for a few days, and stuck in my mind for as long as I can remember – but I patiently reviewed and reassess and quizzed myself over this sudden intention (a good one nonetheless, of course) – and it took me almost 3 months to really made up my mind as by then I could no longer contain the yearn within me to change for the better. I remembered feeling relieved as I finally decided, and actually DID it. And so I finally emerged as the new person I am during Eid-ul-Adha, 6th November 2011. Alhamdulillah. I am happy, and I have no regrets.
I would have to say that I am relieved that 2011 has finally ended and I look forward to 2012 with new hopes, with different views and perspectives on things happening around me. I must say that I have a few selective friends who have been truly kind enough to ‘travel’ with me in my new journey; and willing to share new things & knowledge with me in all honesty and genuine sincerity. Thank you, I hope you guys know who you are *hugs*.
And I spent the last week of 2011 with my parents and brothers and sisters – it wasn’t really important what we did, but the fact that I get to be together with all my 5 younger brothers and sisters was what I really need in order to keep me sane and be reminded that I still have people who accept me wholly and without questions. As usual, I was in tears as I left my parents’ house as the week ended and everyone had to return to reality – but that was what made it all the sweeter; the fact that we are all looking forward to the next session of just rolling around infront of the TV watching a good movie in our pajamas while sipping Nescafe. Oh I can’t wait to see them all again!
Goodbye to a very trying 2011; and I am welcoming 2012 with open arms, an open heart, and an open mind. Thank you Allah for all the trials that I went through for the past one year; perhaps all that was for the preparations of my inner strength for me to begin my new journey.
xoxoxo
